"How
do I meet someone?"
Among
life's challenges this is probably the most frustrating.
A
few fortunate souls resolve this challenge early in life, meeting someone at
school or work. For many, the frustration increases with each passing
year, then decade. Often the environment where one works or lives can be
isolating, further compromising the probability of meeting
someone.
Complicating
the process is the tendency in our society to defer marriage to a later
age. As we get older there are often fewer opportunities to meet
someone. In addition we often become more defined and less flexible in
our interests and more rigid in our expectations. Finally, there is
often the feeling that "the good ones are already taken."
Society
has evolved various assists to meeting a mate:
1
- Arranged marriages - mostly abandoned in non-Western cultures
2
- The "blind date" - arranged by a mutual friend
3
- Match-making services
4
- Computer Dating - "Match.com, e-Harmony, and many others, often
catering to special demographics
5
- Various "singles" groups held at churches and in the
community at large
Many
times these efforts at bringing people together fail - for various reasons:
1
- Falsifying the "resume"
2
- Unrealistic expectations
3
- Family pressures
4
- Psychological issues - e.g. difficulty with intimacy, over-dependency,
problems separating from family
5
- Personality issues making it difficult to "get along" with another
person
e.g. excessive anger or overt rage, narcissism, over-controlling tendency
Note:
In some cases the "match" will succeed if #4 or
#5 above are complementary between the individuals
e.g. a very aggressive, dominant personality may "succeed"
with a passive/submissive personality
What
are the solutions?
If
a reasonable period of time has passed with a focus on meeting someone but
with no success, consider the following:
1 - Meet with a therapist or life coach to explore such things as
"unrealistic expectations,"
psychological and personality issues
2 - Become more "aggressive" in the pursuit
A
frequent problem occurs, when after repeated failures to meet someone, the
person becomes resigned and feels the matter is hopeless. At this point
very little effort is expended and if someone does come along, the person
approaches the prospect with a feeling of pessimism that "this will be
another failure."
An
aggressive recommitment is needed. The person needs to shake off the
pessimism and redouble efforts. Explore all avenues. Let it be
known in every environment (friends, work, family) that meeting someone is a
priority. Get out into the world: clubs, bookstores, gyms, church,
the community center, even shopping venues. The more contacts the
greater the chance.
Pull
out all the stops....give this twice the effort as the necessity of finding a
job.
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